If I Can’t Be Your Wife

Alsdorf, who was handed the key from the drawer, asked.

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“It’s almost New Year’s eve**, is there any change?”

“What?”

 

He deliberately asked back.
He pretended not to know even though he had already remembered from when he closed the drawer and saw the medicine bottle.

 

“You haven’t said anything ever since Viscount Rylent delivered the new medicine the other day.
Will it be fine if I don’t tell Dr.
Cabel separately?”

“It’s no big deal.”

 

The side effects were not as big as he thought.
The detoxification was not as great as the ice flower, but the effect of keeping him awake was quite long.
It was somewhat toxic but it didn’t matter since the tassart herb was easier to obtain than the ice flower.

 

“That’s fortunate.
How about asking Miss Edith to study the dr*g a bit more though? I will contact her once……”

“Worry about other things and don’t pay attention to the dr*g.”

 

Alexis cut off the old butler, turned his chair, and looked out the window.
It was a sunny autumn day and a boy who had escaped Emily’s arms was crawling on the grass.

 

“She said she wanted to go to the library, so you better hurry.”

“Yes.
I will deliver it to her.”

 

Alsdorf said as he put the key in his pocket.

 

“Ah, I got a message from Viscount Rylent this morning.
He said that all the repairs in Mullen Castle have been completed.
Shall we schedule a tour of the estate now?”

“Tell the Viscount that I’ll leave it to him.”

“Pardon?”

“Not only around Mullen, but the entire estate.”

“Are you saying that you won’t go in person?”

 

A tour of the local territories was one of Alexis’ most important tasks right after he received the Duke of Walten title.
The farther away from Meyer, the better the place was to confront the Empress, so they worked hard to repair it.

 

But now he didn’t feel like going.

 

“Since all the repair work of the existing castles have been completed, tell the Viscount to come up after making a final inspection.
As a lieutenant, he should at least be able to do that on his own.”

 

He didn’t know if she would disappear again while he was away.
He had a strange fear that if she ran away one more time, she might never be caught again.
Alexis could not turn a blind eye from the small fear that lurked within.
So, no matter what, he was determined to stay by her side.

 

“Okay.
Then, what do we do with the items we have already prepared?”

“Keep filling it up.”

“I will tell him that.”

 

Alsdorf left the office after taking note of all the decisions his master had made.
He then went downstairs to compile a list of the items to be sent down to the local estate then sent a messenger to Viscount Rylent.

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Only then did the lady of the house summon him.
Alsdorf took the document he had prepared and went upstairs to the bedroom.

 

“I’m sorry for calling you so late.
The child didn’t fall asleep right away.”

 

Kathleen, dressed in a pale green gown, meekly apologized.
Alsdorf stared briefly at the sleeping little heir in the crib, then lowered his voice to answer.

 

“It’s not a big deal.
Here is the library key and the list of books.
There was a librarian a long time ago, but ever since he resigned, I have not hired a new one, so I apologize that it may not be very well organized.”

“It doesn’t matter as long as I can look around.
Thank you.”

 

The hand holding the key hesitated.
Alsdorf waited silently.
Then the hostess asked.

 

“I have a question for you, Alsdorf.”

“Please ask.”

“How much do you know about the Duke?”

 

When there was no answer, she added an explanation.

 

“I heard that you’ve been working here from the moment the Duke was given his title.”

“I have been working in Walten for 10 years.
But I have been serving him even before he became a duke.”

“Then maybe…”

“When he was in the empress’ palace.”

 

Kathleen was stunned by his words.
Alsdorf continued.

 

“When His Grace was seven years old, the Empress commanded me to watch over him.
With Baroness Duroc.
I couldn’t accompany him to the battlefield, so I didn’t serve him the whole time, but I’ve been with him for quite some time now.”

“Then I’m even more curious.
Why haven’t you been wary of me like Madame Duroc?”

“When he returned, my master changed.
This may be presumptuous but….
I thought that you were His Grace’s first choice.”

“He chose me?”

“Yes.”

 

His eyes didn’t show any lies or any attempt to cover up the truth.

 

“It was definitely not a choice the Empress made.”

 

Kathleen became more confused.
Alexis’ self-talk last night and Alsdorf’s words muddled her head.
She decided to push a little further.

 

“Unlike you, I haven’t been with the Duke for a long time, so I don’t know.
Is he taking any medication?”

“Medication? What do you mean?”

“Anything.
Is it something you wouldn’t know?”

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“If it’s something concerning his health, if you call Dr.
Cabel and ask him……”

“You understand what I’m asking, don’t you?”

 

Alsdorf remained silent for a moment before answering.

 

“I cannot tell you anything that you have not told me first.”

 

He didn’t confirm nor deny it.
But in the end, it was close to an affirmation.
As a person who had been passed from the Empress to the Duke of Walten, he had an upright attitude, so Kathleen stopped inquiring any further.

 

“You may leave now.
I will personally return the key to the library to the Duke.”

“Yes.
Oh, and Madame.
Can I just say one more thing?”

 

The old butler, who was about to leave after saying his greetings, said while holding the doorknob.

 

“Tell me.”

“His Grace has known of you for a long time.
Ever since you first came to this mansion.
That was when His Grace saw you.”

 

Alsdorf, who greeted her again, added.

 

“And it is also something I’ve seen from staying by his side.”

“…… I understand.”

 

The door closed gently.
Kathleen opened the ledger that Emily had given her earlier.

 

Soon there was a list of items to be sent to the local estates.
As she turned a few pages, besides the usual content, just like it was three years ago, filling it with women’s clothes were written.
It could not have happened alone without the instructions of the lord.

 

‘You want Luci to be your child?’

 

The words that were said arbitrarily without explanation or reflection did not touch her.
Kathleen couldn’t believe that his confession was true love.

 

The peaceful breathing of a sleeping child in her bed calmed her dizzy heart.
She closed the book again and picked up the library key and the document.
She wanted to find out more information before thinking about it any further.

 

It was more important for her to live in the present than to cling to past emotions that had already vanished.

 

***

 

Kathleen stayed in the library the whole time after being given access.
Alexis kept watch on her, but he didn’t know what she was doing.
She lingered in the study for a while, and over time she would come out empty-handed, and the place she left would be so clean, one would wonder if she had touched any book.

 

Even today, after having received a report that Kathleen had stayed in the library since morning, Alexis headed there with his servants.

 

The door opened with a loud creaking sound, and the smell of old paper wafted in the library.

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‘I’ll have to tell them to clean it again.’

 

The library was a place he hadn’t entered ever since he was awarded Walten.
He didn’t need to because Viscount Rylent brought the necessary papers and had therefore left it alone.
But now, he felt that it was necessary to pay attention to it.

 

Kathleen appeared between the bookshelves as she heard the loud sound.
Her hair that had been tied together was covered with white dust.
Alexis unconsciously reached out his hand, however, she quickly stepped back from him and asked.

 

“Did you need to do something in the library today?”

“Yes.”

“If you had told me in advance, I wouldn’t have bothered you.”

“I will be leaving soon.”

 

Alexis gestured towards the servants.

 

“I had them bring a sofa, this chair will hurt your back if you sit on it for a long time.”

 

The velvet cushion must have degraded because it was a chair that was brought in 10 years ago and had never been replaced.
He heard that Viscount Rylent had brought it from the imperial palace, but he was not satisfied.

 

The servants left a large sofa covered with antique red velvet in the middle of the library.
Alexis asked while sweeping the sofa with his hand contentedly.

 

“Is there anything else you need?”

“Don’t worry about it, I’m not going to sell or steal a book nor give it to anyone.”

“If you want to, you can take anything here and sell them.”

“……”

“Or you can have it, I gave you the key for that reason.”

 

Alexis was sincere.
He was fine with Kathleen doing exactly that.
He hoped that she would want any of the expensive books on the shelves.
That way, she would have lingering desires in this mansion.

 

“I have no intention of coveting the Duke’s belongings.
I don’t even want them.”

“They’re yours.”

“I’m only borrowing them for a while.”

 

Until you lose interest in me.

 

Kathleen swallowed what she wanted to say and turned her attention back to the bookshelves.
Contrary to his words that he would leave soon, Alexis’ gaze relentlessly followed her from behind as he sat on the sofa.

 

Perhaps because her cream-colored muslin dress exposed her nape, she felt her skin tingle from his piercing eyes.
Kathleen hurriedly hid between the books and patted the back of her neck.

 

“Shall we go see an opera?”

 

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His voice seeped through the bookshelves like a sigh.
When she didn’t answer, the gentle question rang again.

 

“We’ve never gone together.”

 

She took out a random book from the nearby bookshelf and opened it.
The most efficient way to ferment the dough before baking a chimney bread.
Kathleen couldn’t guess why an extremely common content was left in the library waiting for the Duke of the Empire to read it.

 

“Or how about going hunting together?”

 

She put the book back in its place and opened another one.
Grinding lemon zest in a pound cake gives it a refreshing flavor.
Kathleen quickly turned the sheet of paper.
To make vanilla ice cream, on a winter morning, put ice in a bucket, place a bowl on top, and pour milk…

 

“I heard it’s a famous trend in the social world these days to catch rabbits or fox cubs and raise them.
I guess they’re more interesting than a puppy or a pony.”

 

She couldn’t quite absorb the content of the book she was reading.

 

These were things she had longed for during her married life.
A simple, everyday outing of a couple.
Something they have never spoken about before.

 

Unable to bear it any longer, Kathleen closed the book loudly and said.

 

“Will that make you lose interest?”

 

No answer came.
Kathleen quickly walked over to the other side of the shelf, perusing the list with the books’ locations.

 

‘Why are there cookbooks in the duke’s library? Servants aren’t even allowed here, but there are…’

 

She had to go to the Anthropology section to find a general overview of the customs of South Trivellian, and to the Pharmacy or Natural Ecology section to find introductory text about the poisons produced by living things.
Kathleen’s hand, which was frantically scanning the document listing the different sections of the huge library, stopped.

 

A bookshelf for new arrivals.

Books requested by the Duke of Walten.

 

A bookshelf with cookbooks like those she had seen earlier.

 

Kathleen turned back to the bookshelf.
When she opened the book again, there was a paper with the application date on the front page.

 

10 years ago.

A book requested by the Duke of Walten a long time ago.

 

 

T/N: ** Okay.
So for this line, it was honestly very confusing.
I’m not sure why New Year’s Eve was mentioned and I tried checking but I couldn’t find an alternate meaning.

 

I asked Yui and she said that sometimes, in c/knovels, the efficacy of oriental medicine would depend on the sun/moon’s positions ~ new year, so Alsdorf could be asking if there was any change in the side effects.
But we’re not entirely sure so take it with a grain of salt.