Later Doll (a winter soldier fanfiction)

I opened my eyes staring at my delusional reflection on the surface of the elevator, I stood somehow out of place as if I didn have a clue what would come next until the bing rang and it came flooding back, my mission was to steal the super serum from Dr. Erskine lab, I changed my outfit into paper blue maids uniform as the doors opened and I stepped out, a materialized a bucket and mop as I walked down an empty hall; seems like the festivities has created a silent in the lab.

I walked past offices, laboratories, and testing floor until I came to a steel door, I pushed it open, thinking it would be as vacant as the rest of the building but I was met face to face with the man himself, Dr. Erskine, he had wrinkles around his eyes, but his eyes were kind but they held some mischief behind them, grey strained his messy hair and he wore clothes that seemed too dirty, too big and proper wrinkled because he relieves stress by twisting it, his posture was slouched over his work but his mind was on the glass bottle of some amber liquid on the table, for a moment he didn realize my presence until I moved closer and his eyes found mine:

”Good evening, sir ” I expressed in the humblest of tones, ”I thought everyone had gone to the exhibit, I will come back later ” I turned to leave but stopped me.

”Sorry, dear, I was about to leave myself ” his thick german accent sprung afloat ”I do not wish to disturb you ” he grabbed the glass bottle with such ferocity before heading to the door, I entered but stopped next to me ”tell me, Fräulen, do you drink? ” He asked as I nodded softly.

”I am not allowed ” I expressed as he stared at me in confusion for a moment ”I am not allowed on the job ” I gestured to the mop and bucket in my hands.

”Oh, of course, of course ” he seemed rather frantic and worried at the thought before leaving in the gust of wind.

I stood for a moment staring at the door that just closed, something within me felt wrong, it was like my gut was telling me to run but I couldn , I had to do this for Pas sake. I turned to the empty office/lab where papers were laid across tables, lab equipment scattered the room and a massive fridge stood at the end of it, I turned towards it when a loud voice from my grandmother pierced my ears:

…vernietiging…

But soon that word was shadowed by the words:

Dunkel…

Tief…

Loch…

Haut…

Träume…

Krebs…

Husten…

Schmerzen…

Krieg…

Vergangenheit…

Sehnsucht…

A switch went off in my mind and I stepped forwards towards the fridge, my hand grasped the cold metal as I pull it open, the cold flushed my face as I stepped into it, I walked around the different capsules of liquid, reading the labels with great speed, trying with all that is in me to leave this place, my eyes spotted the long valve with a pasty blue liquid in it; I smiled and reached for the capsule but something stops me again.

Suddenly flashes of Buckys face clouded my mind, some were sweet and light like his bright blue eyes, those full pink lips that were always in a smile, and that smirk on his face when he suggests something a little inappropriate but they disappeared just as soon as it appears, it was replaced with something darker, heavier, images of his bright blue eyes still with death, his hair wet with blood and his smile pale and lifeless; I stepped away from the image only to be confronted with the aged, wrinkled face of my Ouma, she looked at me with a warning like she would when I was a child.

I was nudged back as if an uncontrollable force aimed me away from the serum, I turned just as the room began to fill with military soldiers, they stood ready to fire along the room walls and my body froze, I didn know how to react to this sudden change, I watched every one of them as they waited for their next order when my body began to shake and the flashes of memories began to take over and all that happened in this room became nothing but numb static.

Suddenly I saw my younger self standing in that pale yellow kitchen with blood on my hands with a pot plant which rotting, then a flash of that little cabin next to that murky river, then a table covered in a velvet tablecloth where tarot cards were scattered like mice next to the candle, Crystals, and feathers; I remember my Ouma face and the fear that feel from it as the room shook uncontrollably.

Unexpectedly I was brought back to the laboratory, I felt a liquid dripping from my hands and I looked down to find pools of blood on each side, I looked up at young men who stood ready to defend and before I could tell them to run, they exploded simultaneously as blood splashed all over my body. I looked down at my hands, and my body and began to scream as another group came rushing in, they stared at the blood with disgust and pure horror until one raised his gun to shoot.

The room changed completely change as if we were forced into another dimension, the room went dark and for a moment it was dead silent like one sound would kill you, not a sound was heard until a gut-wrenching cry of a man sounded along with some violent movement until the man scream couldn be heard anymore as I stepped back, moving away from the nightmare that haunts my dreams, I stepped back only to make a sound, dead silent again, then it moved towards me, I moved back as fast as could but stopped as my back hit the wall the beast hauled in its stride and sniffed the area I stood, I couldn see it, I never have but my heart hopped into my ear as I tried to control my breathing but all it did was back up, rushing away.

I took this opportunity to pull back this dimension, the light brightened, showing off the horrid scene of soldiers torn to pieces, the sight itself made nausea creep up my throat, I turned to throw up the contents of my stomach as I heaved sound when I felt a presence behind me, I slowly turned to find a very familiar woman standing with a gun pointed to my head but her eyes scammed the bodies surrounding her with such sorrow before finding my eyes; she didn hesitate to shoot me in the chest, I stepped back holding the shot wound as a pain pulled at my chest.

I fell to my knees, with one hand on the wound and the other I touched the floor causing it to crack moving towards her, giving her enough time to jump back as I jumped up, out of the underground base, breaking whatever floor until I was greeted by the open air. I pulled the wings from my back as my body turned into its true form, red, thick, and bloody, I gasped at the pain it took to transform but I felt relief as the bullet just popped out of my skin as I flew restlessly away from the scene; I found an empty alley where I sat with knees to my chest and face resting on them, I was covered in blood from head to toe and shiver as the faces of those soldiers kept coming back to me until I eventually past out:

Tears blurred my eyes as I slowly made my way to the kitchen, holding an infected, rotten cat, I could see the swirling worms within the corpse as I stepped into the kitchen, Dad sat with a cup of tea and the newspaper as Aunt Beth stood washing my clothes, I stopped in the middle of the brightly lit kitchen still looking down at the cat with its name tag Lulu when Dad sudden appeared before me as he took the pitch-black cat into his arm and a sad expression past his face:

”I didn mean to ” I cried as my father just stared at the poor animal. ”I tried to think of healing thoughts…I prayed ” I whispered as he stared down at me with a patient smile.

My aunt suddenly appeared next to him, her face was pale with fright ”this gone on too long, Joe, she needs to see ma ” she expressed, the look of fear on her face.

”Don speak that womans name in this house ” He shouted at my aunt just stared at him ”all she does is bring heartache and fear ”

Aunt grabbed my arm but let out a yelp as her fingers began to blister, she held her hand to her chest ”you would let such evil roam in your home ” she screeched at me as I stepped back.

”You watch your tongue, she is a child and your niece for no less ” he argued as the woman just stared at us before rushing out the door.

My father turned back to me with a small smile ”don listen to her, its her fear talking ” he whispered as he took the cat from me again.

I looked down at my shoes as the tears rolled ”am I truly evil? ” I asked as he wiped my tears.

”You are anything but evil, my love ” he pulled me into his arms.

”Then why do I hurt people and animals and things, ” I asked as he just looked at me, waiting for me to finish. ”Some people say I will grow up to be a serious killer, ” he smiled at my childish babble.

”Your powers are strong and corrupted but you are still young and have no control over them, but one day when you are older… ” he moved the cat to rest between both his palms.

”Like you, Papa, ” I said with a sweet giggle as he laughed.

”Like me ” he continued ”you will find your place and help so many people when you do, you will be able to control your power and change the world like this ” he bowed his head down to the cat and suddenly the worms disappeared and its disfigured from healed, the infect and rot disappeared, replace with a lively Lulu who jumped out of Dads hands and into mine; I giggled at the scene as Dad patted my head.

….

I opened my eyes to the stained ceiling of my apartment, I sat up, pulling my legs to my chest as a sad smile overtook my face as a knock sounded on the door, I stumbled to my feet and pulled open the door in full force to find Bucky standing as the morning air, his eyes were red and dark underneath them:

”Bucky… ” I whispered as his face turned into that of his puppy.

”I couldn leave ” he whispered in a whimper ”I had to see your face even if it was in anger ”

I threw my arms around his neck and pulled him close, he seemed to take me in as his arms wrapped around my waist. ”Im sorry ” I hid my head in his chest ”I was so petty and scared ” He grabbed my face between his fingers.

”No, its my fault ” he disagreed as he kissed my palms ”its Army ” he expressed with tearful eyes.

I shook my head, dropping my hands ”no, I should have made it better, we could have spent more time with each other but I screwed up ” he grabbed my waist and pulled me close.

”Shhh lets just stay in this moment ” he whispered, placing my forehead against his and closing my eyes.

”Promise me… ” I whispered, I knew what I would ask was impossible, I needed to at least hold onto something ”promise me…you will survive ” he began to shake his head ”promise me…you will fight no matter what…just survive ” I said with tears running down my face ”promise me ”

He looked into my eyes ”I can promise that ” he whispered slowly with hurt behind his eyes.

”Promise me ” I stared deep into his eyes ”because I can live without you, I don know how ”

He stared back at me ”I promise ” I rubbed my face into his chest ”promise me, you will remember Paris, remember us, promise me Paris, I want at least one lifetime with you ” he smiled through his tears as I shook my head and smiled.

I looked into his eyes as his hands grabbed the fabric on my back ”I… ” before I could get the words out, his lips crashed against mine I let out a gasp of the words that should have fallen from my lips.

The kiss was deep and softly, he seemed to pull me inside towards him, my heart was beating rapidly, there was tingling settled in my fingers as my brain went numb that I almost forgot to kiss back until he grabbed the back of my head and I instantly slip his bottom lip into my mouth, his fingers dug into my scalp as I moaned into his lips; his feet seemed to give way as he grabbed the doorjamb as we pulled apart.

His head went into my neck ”Wow ” he smirked ”I shouldn have waited to do that ” he pulled me closer.

”No, you were a gentleman ” I teased as I settled my hand against his jawline.

”No, I should have done that sooner ” he teased as he tickled my sides and I began to wiggle, he looked behind me and that sad look fell onto his face ”Its time ” he stepped away from me, putting his hat on and grabbing his duffel bag that I didn notice laid on the floor. ”Walk me out, ” he asked as I nodded.

I followed him upstairs in the busy street, people walked watching us closely, I ignored their stares as we came to a stop, he turned to me and we just stared at each other :

”I love you, James, ” I said as he stared deep into my soul.

”I love you too ” he turned to look down the street for a moment ”I guess this is good.. ” I stopped him by lifting my hand.

”No, this is see you soon, ” I whispered, ”this is not a goodbye, even if I have to find you, I will but this is not a goodbye ” he smiled before pinching my cheek.

”Remember to write, ” he said as he started to walk down the road.

”Always ” I shouted as I watched him go, his back was straight and his hat was still on ok, for a moment he kept going until he stopped, threw down his bag, and came running back.

He came toward me and pulled me into a deep, heavy kiss that would probably leave my lips bruised, his hands cluttered my hair, and his tongue tasted of coffee and cinnamon, when he was done stared into my eyes before taking off, grabbing his duffel bag and disappeared down the road; his fleeing frame would be the last thing I saw but I would remember forever.

….

Traffic buzzed by as I waited for Steve to call, I sat on a bench near a telephone, both Steve and I agree since Bucky left and I was flooded with letters from him, they were cheesy and corny until he teased me for believing such romantic fantasy, he was well enough but I could sense an urge of my promise gnawing at him, war was hard my promise wasn making it easier, I knew it was selfish of me but I need something to hang on especially since father has gotten sicker and Hydra hasn sent a mission in weeks; I knew something was up but just what.

The phone rings and I stand to receive it:

”Hello, ” I said as I heard the tired familiar voice of rogers on the phone

”hey, ” I whisper, closing my eyes, picturing his exhausted eyes and slumping over the body.

”Hey Tam ” he whispered, gosh, he sounded exhausted.

”How is training going? You sound awful ” I said with a smile on my lips.

”Its the worst few days of my life ” he paused for a moment ”Im enjoying it ” he laughed as I shook my head. ”How is your father? Are you still coping? ” He asked and I felt the soft expression settle on his face.

”We are fine, ” I said all too quickly ”father is hanging in there and I have a new job ” I smiled into the phone.

”Oh? ” I knew he read my mind.

”Yup, working for a lady, mostly babysitting and trying to fight off her husband but the pay is good, ” I asked in a gushed breath.

”That doesn sound good, Tam ” he grimaced on the other side of the phone.

”Thats why it pays better ” I conveyed as my eyes scanned the busy street ”have you heard from bucky yet? ” I asked as the mood dropped.

”Not yet, ” he said as he sensed my mood shift ”its war, Tam, he will write back, I promise, ” he said as I nodded.

”Thank you, Rogers, ” I whispered.

”For? ”

”For being too good for me ” I smiled as a black limo came driving by, I knew who it was which sent a shiver down my back. I hadn heard from them in weeks and seeing them now didn sit right in my soul, my soul was aching as if this was the last moment in time to be here. ”Hey, Rogers ” I cut him off, I didn hear a word he said ”I gotta go, call you later ” before he could answer, I hung up the phone, stepped out of the phone box, and made my way down the street the alley the car rolled into.

The alleyway was dark and was between two abandoned buildings, I stepped into the car as the door swung open and I slipped in, three men sat at the back with me while a driver sat up front, they never took one look at me as the car was shifted into the drive; before we could make it out of the alleyway, a syringe was stuck into my neck as sleep overcame me.

I was shaken awake by my Aunt Beth, her eye red and dark under them, she looked shaken with fear and slightly deranged, she pulled me from my bed and then put on shoes and gown, I looked up into her eyes and she stepped back in fear, she held her hands to her chest as she exhaled:

She kneels before me ”you trust me, right? Mara ” she nodded as if to convince me.

I nodded as she began to put on my shoes and wrap me up in a gown ”where is Pa? ” I asked as my Aunt frantically grabbed her purse and my hand.

The next thing I knew, we were walking towards a cabin next to a murky lake, the place seeping with darkness like a coat was thrown over the place, we walked along the harsh grass until we got to the door of the cabin, Aunt Beth knocked and an old woman opens the door, I was hit with the smell of cigarettes, alcohol and spoiled something, my Aunt pulled me into this disgusting place that was a one-room cabin, bed laid in the corner on the floor, a table in the small kitchen which was covers with a velvet tablecloth and couch facing a tv.

The old woman was thin, covered in wrinkles, and looked like she just had a hard life, she stared at me as smoke fell from her mouth:

”Bring the child here ” she crowed as Aunt Beth pushed me closer and sat me down in the seat before the woman. ”Make us tea, child ” she dismissed my Aunt.

”Yes mama ” she blindly obeyed and even though she was still in the room with us, I felt so alone.

”Whats your name child? ” The old woman asked as I just stared at her. ”Speak! ” She shouted slamming her hand on the wooden table.

I jumped in my seat ”Tamara Johnson ” I stuttered as she just stared at me

She believes in shuffling the cards that sat on the table ”you have a spirit, a spirit of destruction, you are a burden to everyone around you, do you know this? ” She asked as I shook my head ”now you know ” Aunt Beth placed the tea before me ”drink before it runs cold ” she demanded as I quickly took the cup between my hands.

I gulped down the hot liquid that burned my throat and tasted like some sour, herby instant of normal tea and suddenly my perspective changed, I was staring at the rotting ceiling as rainbow lights flickered around my line of sight, and the sounds of screams echoed around me, they distant like demon chasing women around, their scratchy voice whispered around while the women scream so loud I could imagine their throats bleeding.

The lights flickering around my space seemed to distract me from the horrors I knew happened around me, they always happened around me, suddenly my fathers face appear over me, and with one-touch everything stopped, he pulled me to my feet and hugged me close to his chest:

”vernietiging ” I heard that crowed voice try to shout ”vernietiging ” she shouted again as my father picked me up and ran out of the house ”you have been cursed, you will always be, from generation to generation ” she shouted as my father wouldn dare let me look back.

…vernietiging…

The word kept circling my mind causing me to panic, to try to run but I couldn , my wrist was bound and so were my feet, I couldn move so I began to shake hysterically to get away from this memory but it kept playing until I opened my eyes…

The bright light into my eyes and closed them fast as I lowered my head to look around and not directly at it, I looked to my hands to see them in the metal handcuffs and so were my feet, I looked to see a room filled with scientists, equipment and a mirror that was facing me, I looked deranged, manic and sickly, my mouth gagged, I turned to the doctor who instructed electrocute me:

I shook my head frantically ”14000 volts, three, two, one ” he spoke in german.

The shock took my body by surprise and it began to spasm out of my control, my eyes rolled back and I tried to keep my eyes focus, my body in check but it wasn working, the heart monitor next to me with crazy as I tried not to blackout as they came to a stop, my face hang low as I caught my breath but the electricity began building up in my veins again but this time my body was dangerous still, my arms began to shift into liquid, red dripping from my eyes as my feet became loose and I moved out of the chair bed they had me strapped to; I lifted my head as my body took control and I was just a backseat passengers.

I knew what was coming next, all the scientists that gathered around exploded like cherry between two fingers, I walked towards the mirror, I knew he hid behind, I place my hand onto it and it scattered to receive the man himself, Johann Schmidt, he stared me down as the men around him choked to death, he didn flinch and before I could grab him; I suddenly felt faint and I fell to my knees before him and kicked me unconscious.