The gentle morning breeze caressed my cheeks and the sound of birds sang in chorus as the sun rose. It felt comfortable yet surreal.
”This is not my home ”.
Though I didn know where I am or what happened to me, I tried to calm myself and recollected my memories.
I am Deanna and the last memory that I remembered was that I went to bed with a solemn tear that fell down my cheeks. I tried to hold my voice, I didn want anyone to know that I cried. I always cry when I am alone, but nobody knows. Even my sister said she never saw me cry and some of my acquaintances also talked behind my back just because I didn show them my feelings. There was one time I couldn hold back my anger anymore, and I accidentally burst towards my colleague. Some of my acquaintances distance themselves from me for the reason that I have changed and they didn know how to cope with it. I am tired of my life, I am tired of the thought if I had to live every single day with a mask on. Everything was calculated, with the burden to be the perfect eldest sister to my youngest siblings and the perfect daughter to my parents. I tried hard to make my parents proud, but its never enough. Everything I did or acted was tied down by the act that seemed kind but pressured. It felt like I was trapped inside a chest, trying to breakthrough. Even my siblings would look down on me due to my parents actions. Each day I have become more and more insecure. I would bottle up all my feelings because I am scared to feel lonely and neglected if I said a word. Thus, I tried very hard to become perfect so I could be loved as well.
That morning, I woke up and found myself in a different place. I tried to look for help but failed miserably due to the tightly locked door. I am scared and confused about what happened. As I tried to look for the key, I accidentally saw myself in the mirror. The person in front of me seems foreign yet familiar. A long luscious hair as black as the midnight sky on a moonless night and with beautiful clear blue eyes as clear as the sky above. This body, this face—all of this was not mine.
Who am I, where am I, what happened to me are the questions that kept on exploding inside my head? The feeling of being alone and helpless, full of uncertainty, whether I would survive or perished, made me sniffled quietly and my legs weaken. I wished everything would go back to normal. I prayed that this was all just a dream and when I woke up from this horrendous dream, I promised myself I would become a better daughter and sister.
Suddenly, a flash of light shines in front of me and a full-grown man stood amiably. Then he offered his hand with a bright and beautiful smile. He has medium-length blonde hair, which was tight neatly, and his eyes were as calm as the green meadow. I was hesitant to receive his offer. However, because of his comforting smile, I felt somewhat calmed and my anxieties slowly dissipated.
”Please don cry ”
He spoke as soft and sweet as honey-glazed donuts during afternoon tea as he offered me a handkerchief. I tried to hold back my tears, though it might have betrayed me. He continued comforting me as I listened patiently with a mountain of questions ready to fire.
”You can call me Helios. I know you must be confused with everything that happened today. I am deeply sorry. I should be here earlier. I promise you I will try to help you as much as I can within my abilities. ”
”Can you tell me where I am? Who am I? This is not me. Why am I here in this body? Is it because of me? Because I wish everything to stop. Is it? ”
My tears fell with every letter that came out of my mouth. My heart was in pain and it felt like it was pricked with thousands of needles. I blamed myself for being ungrateful. I know sometimes I could be pessimistic, but that was how I strived every day to be better. But today, this act of mine just felt terrible, with no shining ray of light.
”Please don cry. It is not your fault. I am still not really sure how you got here, but I will do my best to help you. I am sorry again to say that you may have to stay here for a while. I will help you. ”
He patted my back gently. I felt a little better with the touch of his kindness, though I couldn say that I am completely reassured. The way he talked was very polite and he had a benevolent manner towards me.
”I am sorry I couldn help you much. I didn have much power to change everything back. But I will try to guide you. If you need me, you just have to wish for me, I will come as soon as I reach your call. I am sorry, this is all I could do for me now. ”
”Can you at least tell something about me? I don know anything and Im scared. ”
”Don worry my dear. I will show you. Though it seems unfamiliar and new, treat it like a profound beginning in success. I know you will achieve brilliantly. ”
”Thank you very much. I will try to do my best. ”
I gave him a smile to reassure him and thanked him for his help. Though with the sorrow in my heart, I tried to consider this as a new beginning for me. Since everything happens for a reason.
”Okay now. Take care, my dear. I wish you happiness and health. ”
With a gentle smile that he gave me, he bid farewell.
Suddenly, I collapsed on the floor and passed out and a record of memories played. The life of Deanna Remus flashed in my head.
I was born with love between my commoners mother and the Lord Chancellor of Quirinus; Duke Evander Remus. Both my father and my mother were happily married, even though they were many people displeased with the marriage. However, my mother fell sick after she gave birth to me and eventually passed away a week later. During the same year, my father married my stepmother, Lady Chlaricia, as he had been continuously pressured by the others as the head of the house. However, I seldom met my stepmother, even when our rooms were not that far apart. She always went out either partying or shopping with her friends, and my father was caught up with work every single day. I grew up playing by myself. The maid here ignored me because they believe that I am a child who has been ignored by both parents. As I didn worth anything. I didn have power, nor anything but just my name, which I carried with pride.
Three years after, we were greeted by a beautiful baby girl with hair as red as the roaring sun and her eyes as yellow as a lions mane; Eliana. That day, I was really happy. I am happy to know that I have someone to play with and the joy that we could spend each day together. However, that happiness was just an illusion I created in my mind alone.
My stepmother moved me to the smallest room of the mansion, far from the main house. My previous room now belongs to my sister. However, I didn feel down or dejected because of a room or the continuous neglect from my stepmother. This was all due to the reason that I believed, for once, that I had someone.
Like any other day, nobody was there beside me, so I went out and saw a pretty red flower that gives a wonderful smell. I happily plucked the flowers with the thought that I should put them in my sisters room so it would smell nice and brighten the room. As I plucked, I could saw my blood drips from my finger, but it didn stop me because I was too happy to think about anything. I hummed and grinned happily while imagining my little sister smiled tenderly at me. With about five flowers in my hands, I skipped happily to my sisters room.
As soon as I opened the door, I saw my stepmother cuddled my little sister warmly. She turned towards me and I greeted my stepmother softly. My body felt tremble as it was as cold as I was on top of the Alps Mountain. I kept on repeating to myself, ”I am scared, I am scared, but I have to smile. ”
”Good morning, mother. I brought flowers for Eliana. It smells really nice, ” As I showed the bright red flowers.
My stepmother laid Eliana on the cradle gently. Then she walked briskly towards me and pulled my arms out of the room. She slapped my cheek as she shouted at me.
”What are you doing here? Who gave you permission to pluck my roses? You
e a worthless child. If I were your father, you would be long gone. You are nothing but a burden. I don want you anywhere near me or my family. If you dare, I would throw you out with or without your fathers consent. ”
Then she continued with a sneering smile on her face, while I was only capable of holding my tears tightly while looked down on the floor.
”Did you know that your father hated you for killing his wife? And I hate you the minute I first met you. Nobody wants you here. Don you think you better off dying than living? ”
Then the maid came, she talked to the maid harshly and ignored me completely. I, who was just turned four years old, was too sad to cry or make any sounds. I felt like my whole life crumbled down.
”Do you think you are the madam of the house now? Your job is to keep this filthy thing out of my sight. Next time I see her in front of me, both you and this thing will be thrown out. Now, go. Both of you ruin my mood. ”
The maid guided me to my room quietly—neither comfort nor disgust I heard from her. She left me alone, wallowed in sadness, and eventually, I fell asleep.
The next morning, I found my fingers were perfectly bandaged and at that time I was clueless about who would help me. Same like any other day, my maid, Laura, came, and left me breakfast without a word came out from her mouth. The same goes for lunch and dinner. Although Laura seemed distant, she was the one who gave me food and other things a child should have. Though it seems scarce for others, I believed it was more than enough. Maybe this was just one of her jobs, but I choose to believe otherwise. This was the only way to make me believe that I at least have someone by my side.
After two days of debate between her inner herself, Laura, who couldn sleep a wink, felt disgusted and ashamed of her behaviour. This was because, at first, Laura thought she wouldn want her life to conspire with any conflict or drama. So she just tends to ignore everything that happened. However, on that day, she became contemplated whether it was the right choice to live quietly. After tossed and turned in bed that night, Laura decided to bring a little bit of joy to my pitiful life.
This morning, out of the blue, Laura seemed different, I was flabbergasted. She never talked, nor made any eye contact with me before, but now she talked to me, and I answered every question she asked with a glint of happiness.
”Good morning, my lady. I have prepared your breakfast. ”
”Good morning. Thank you very much, Laura. ”
”How was your sleep? Do you have anything particular you would like to do today? ”
”It was fine. I am not sure. Drawing maybe. ”
When she asked me what I would like to do today, I was unsure what to answer. I have no one beside me, I couldn leisurely go out and play, and the only thing that I have are a few toys, paper and colour pencils. As Laura realized her question which she asked without prior judgment, that brought me to the corner—she tried to flip the card.
”My Lady. I am sorry to say this, as I am acting as my one feeling. Would you like to learn to read? I can teach you. Because I believe by reading you can see the world. ”
Since I didn have much, the world seemed bigger with just a little bit of hope. So I excitedly replied to her question. It might not be much for some people, but at that time I believed that my life would become a bit brighter.
”Yes, I would love it more than anything. Thank you. Thank you so much, Laura. ”
I smiled at her with gratitude and happiness.
”Remember, whenever one door closes, another opens. You will reach your happiness eventually. So be patient and grow. ”
”Thank you, Laura. ”
Each day goes by with bliss. The knowledge and new things that I learned were everything to me. I didn care about the outside world because I have my own world here. Laura would bring me books every time she went out and sometimes she would borrow some books from the other maids, and I would read them regardless.
Although it seemed hard, it was enjoyable. Laura was a very strict person, but kind. I learned that she was a fallen noble daughter who tried to make her own money. Started from that day, I promised myself that I would never cry for my misfortune and strived for a new beginning. As I am at that age, I have someone by my side. I believed that the only way to find my happiness was to strive the other way, away from those hateful eyes.
Even as the day comes and the night goes, my sister still hasn come here by her own will. My stepmother embedded the thought of me as someone who doesn fit to be acknowledged. She has been showered with wealth and happiness like a beautiful garden flourished with beautiful, lovely flowers. My father, who was too busy with work, neglected his duty as my father except for occasionally lunch gathering between the family members.
In the turmoil of misfortune, I turned 18 years old—the golden age to be wed and brought prosperity to my life and family. I don really care who I would be wed. I just want to get out from here and never came back. I wanted to see the world. All the books I have read make me more eager to venture into the world. My stepmother, who couldn wait to get rid of me, wanted me to marry an old man from neighbouring country. Although he was not a noble, he was a famous jewellery merchant, Sergius Salacia.
A few months after the proposal was sent, I was ready to be wed. Though I have become the second wife of this respectable man, I was happy. Both my husband and his wife were nice and kind to me. Though his children can be somewhat harsh, I didn mind at all. Besides, my stepmother also allowed me to bring Laura here. That was the only gracious I felt from her. Now I felt like everything would be alright.
Out of the blue on one sunny evening, the arrival of my stepmother broke my peace. She and my husband spoke for a while. Then, unexpectedly, my stepmother broke down in tears in front of me. Hysterical was a heavy word to describe the situation, but the tears that rolled down her cheeks seemed like a rainstorm during the wet season. She apologized for everything she had done. I was baffled and shocked. Though I couldn completely forgive and believed her, I wanted to believe that miracle could happen though it was farfetched. It might be because the longing feeling of a mothers warmth made me believe her. She tried to compensate me with beautiful jewels, dresses, and numerous books.
After months passed, a troop of royal knights came and arrested me. It was for the accusation of assassinating the Royal Highness Queen Rowena. I was perplexed. I repeatedly denied the accusation, but nobody was on my side except for Laura. My stepmother, my husband, everyone just agreed with the accusation. My father, whom I yearned desperately didn show up till the last day of my life. There were no surprises in this situation, we were just family by names, but no bonds between us. At that time, I was certain that even my father thought I was guilty of the charges, because how could even a great man like my father defend a person he didn know their intention or anything regardless. My father, whom I loved, didn know me as I didn know him too.
However, to my surprise, my father looked at me with a guilty face and apologized. I am doubtful on what he apologized for, whether how he couldn protect me from the charges or for not acting as a father. Laura, who was the only one defending me, was suddenly killed in a carriage accident during her trip back to the capital. Thus, after a week in jail, I was sentenced to the guillotine. Before I closed my eyes, I asked myself a question with no answers.
”Am I living a happy life? ”
As I open my eyes, the memories of the past ended. I felt my tears, ran down, and gently caressed my cheeks. Then I vowed myself as Deanna, from both life I would fight for my happiness. The happiness you tried to achieve, I would find it for you. At this moment, I am pleading for you to allow me to borrow your body, so when it was time for me to go, you would live happily.
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